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Why International Marriages Fail

The stat that everyone throws out is that half of American marriages end in divorce and about a third of UK marriages end in divorce. In Ukraine, 58 out of 100 marriages end in divorce as well. Furthermore, new survey shows 80% international divorce rate in the recent time of Internet-facilitated dating spree.

Major factors leading to international divorce can be classified into following categories:

1. Same factors that cause local divorces.

- Money: This is the primary reason for divorce amongst couples. Once the rush of the first few months wears out, many couples start noticing and fighting over each others' spending habits and budgeting issues),

- Infidelity: It doesn’t really matter if most people say man is not a naturally monogamous creature. Monogamy is precisely what most people expect of their partners because commitment is something everyone wants. Cheating whether it is a one night stand or a serious affair is not something that can be easily worked through. Many marriages simply fall apart when infidelity occurs.

- Lack of communication: Modern life has become so hectic that people simply don’t have enough time to communicate with each other on a continuous basis. When issues, ideas and feelings are not communicated, it can result in unexpressed feelings simmering within your mind and this can result in a lot of anger. People also fail to effectively communicate their expectations clearly to their partner before marriage.

- Addictions including alcohol addiction

- Substance abuse

- Physical, emotional or sexual abuse

- Abandonment by a partner

- Inability to resolve conflicts

- Intellectual and Personality differences and incompatibility

- Differing personal and career goals

- Differing expectations about household tasks and responsibilities

- Sexual incompatibility and sexual problems

- Desire to seek quick fix solutions to problems or a complete unwillingness to work on issues and also an inability to manage past issues and problems are also among the reasons for divorce. Many individuals who come from divorced homes or homes with lot of issues and problems are more likely to get divorced.  

- Lack of commitment towards the partner and marriage

- Mental illness and mental instability

- Criminal behavior

- Religious beliefs, conversions and differences in culture and lifestyle

- Differing opinions and expectations about having children and rearing them

- Interference from parents, in-laws and other extended family

- Falling out of love

- Inability and unwillingness to deal with each others' nature and idiosyncrasies of personality

- Lack of maturity

- Significant age difference.

2. Lack of mutual love, which makes the following love-undermining problems totally unbearable.
Intending “to marry a nationality”, men and women are particularly challenged to discern whether there’s true personal attraction with deepening interest between them - or is it their quest that urges to complete the demanding mission with a suitable candidate.

3. Language barrier.

Love is communication. Life is communication. Lack of language skills is like living half-deaf-and-numb, after being an opera singer. The point is, what goes faster, - her learning, or someone’s getting tired. In long communication over a language barrier, it is like this: he starts to feel as if she’s dumb. She starts to feel as if she’s dumb, and angry at herself as well as at whatever makes her so. (Same with cultural differences.)

4. The resulting sensory information deficit.

Some Russian/Ukrainian women are extroverts, some introverts. Many are used to having many pals, chatting with neighbors, colleagues, co-travelers, taxi drivers and beauticians, and exchanging jokes with sales & food service people. Very many prefer to keep silence and/or sit home (until it feels depressing dull). But since you are going to be the #1 person in her life… Even when YOU don’t need much and meaningful talks with your spouse, - SHE does.

Otherwise, she feels ignored. A top reason for Russian/Ukrainian divorces and adultery is the Lack of Interest and Understanding,which takes shape ofNot Talking (other than “fetch, thanks, do you love me, yes I love you”), or Having Nothing to Talk About. Russian/Ukrainian people are curious about world’s events, and used to pondering over global ethical problems, or at least discussing books, movies and daily impressions.

5. Cultural differences in behavior, between people TOO different by values, attitudes, manners, and neighborhood habits. These differences, especially individualism vs. collectivism, rationalism vs. emotionalism, discipline vs. rulebreaking, success vs. suffering and bashing, may be quite traumatic, - especially for the one relocating into the alien environment (which takes ca. 7 years to adapt into - 3 and 7 years being critical points in every marriage), and still more for a couple of parents as they face a field of unknown-ever problems in bringing up children (however promising a bicultural environment may be for the kid). Particular confrontations arise between Western step-children and Eastern step-mothers.

6. Resulting loneliness.

Russian/Ukrainian women need friends. Close friends. It’s in their blood. Female friends. At least one. With similar problems and experiences. Her old friends stay overseas, and connection is lost inevitably. New friends? Fellow emigrants fall into two categories: helpful & sharing, or jealous & negative. On the other hand, many foreign husbands object to their wives’ friendship with fellow countrywomen, to say nothing about their Western women (who are not much friendship material themselves).

7. Her liaison with family.

In some cases, keeping her mother close helps (though most mothers are too deeply rooted into their native life, and too fearful and vulnerable for “transplantation”.) On the other hand, there are cases of Russian/Ukrainian wives driving their husbands mad for consulting with relatives on their family matters. International variant: hanging on the phone for hours daily. Expat variant: the Great and Terrible Russian Mother-in-Law intruding into everything.

8. Common traits and needs – making each other “just like our Russian/Ukrainian men”, “just like our Western women”. – “I only wanted a kind husband and an interestingjob, but got under lock!” - “How could I know Afros are off the local dating fair for their promiscuous habits!” – “Have enough lazy supremacist users at homeland!” Complaints retold by international ex-wives to post-divorce therapists back home…

Different scholarly surveys and statistical data of domestic and foreign national migration services show that most “Post-Soviet Wives International” blame their native countries for sexual discrimination, lack of chances for a respected and well-paid job, CONSISTENT with making a sound family (please take these words literally to get rid of feministic fears, and see #8 to realize what consequences an opposite attitude may bring about), AND lack of SUPPORT AND APPRECIATION from fellow countrymen, who offer rudeness, hypocrisy, egoism, despotism and parasitism of all kinds as a substitute for “male strength” which implies calm tolerance.

Many men and women on the international dating fair make similar mistakes, playing up to what they know about the other party’s expectancies, and blaming each other for buying into it. He - brings flowers, opens doors and hints how great he is, - only to cut it off for callous domineering. She - describes what a “perfect housewife” and “model of modesty” she is, only to tell around how selfish those Western grooms are.

9. Bride Fairytale Illusions.

There are two frequent models of Russian/Ukrainian wives’ behavior of “hanging on a man’s neck” without becoming a “full-fledged member of society”, which models turn unbearable to their husbands. (1) “Cinderella Forever”: “Why study language, as well as explore anything outside the house, and bother adapting to foreign life, - it seems so easy to serve the duty of cooking and cleaning, since everything around seems so stable at last.” – Normal reaction of a grown-up, “hunter-winner” man: “What a bore!” Pathological reaction: “Now it’s time to unwind into revenging for all the crimes of feminism!” (2) “Princess Born”: “I’m young and beautiful, I give you great sex, you are my debtor, why aren’t you a movie hero?” – No comment. Anyway, either of the parties finally initiates divorce.

10. Exploitation.

Yes, many people indeed use each other for ends irrelevant to marriage. Women, to jump into a better life, consenting to “tolerance” instead of “love”. Men… The aforementioned international marriage expert quoted a case as exotic as a gay guy playing “as much in love as to have children”, with a girl whom he has “imported” as a surrogate mother.

If she is TOTALLY sweet, obliging and “self-effaced” all the way, might be too good to be reliable. It’s, at best, the Hospitality of Hostess and the Cautious Modesty of Guest, and at worst…

11. Savior’s Arrogance.

“Eat your America, your money, our house, my car! I’m coming back to lick stamps at my native post office, where no one nuzzles me into my “despicable” past, as well as his own benefactions!”

12. Discardable partners: “Husbands from Hell“ and, in the wives’ turn, “Pet Beasts from Wilderness“. Unfortunately, all these come in legions, often well-masked or maladvertised.

13. There seem to be a much higher than usual percentage of Golddiggers in West-East relationships. Usually this is the result of a not-so-wise man who has little success with girls and few social skills who tries to buy love. When she has extorted most of his money, or when she meets another man who has more–the marriage ends. And any fool who cannot say no to the ego boost of arm candy golddiggers will soon learn to say “yes” to a divorce attorney and at least half of his(her) money–what’s left after she has screwed her way as far through his assets as possible. Golddiggers are found in ALL the world. But when they’re Russian/Ukrainian, a blind man could see them.
Lead with love and get love.
Lead with money and get a golddigger.
So simple. But when the other head does the thinking, apparently not so simple.

Source:www.russianwomenspeak.wordpress.com,
               www.articleswave.com/